If Babies Could Talk

1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.

2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.

3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.

4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's a PlayStation 2.

5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.

6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels
like.

7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.

8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to
 be "hat."

9. I've told you five times what a cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling
you again.

10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.

11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity and
estimating mass.

12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

13. Who is that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?

14. If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?

15. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?

16. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.